[swapped my innocence for pride; a fanmix (fivetimesbb)]

[parenthetical]

swapped my innocence for pride

apocalyptica (feat. adam gontier) :: "i don't care"
i try to make you see my side
always trying to stay in line
but your eyes see right through
that's all they do

calexico :: "alone again or"
i won't forget all the times i waited patiently for you
and you'll do just what you choose to do
and i will be alone again tonight, my dear

breaking benjamin :: "sooner or later"
Why am i so pathetic
i know you won't forget it
just call my name, you'll be okay
...
go ahead and throw my life away

the weakerthans :: "anchorless"
shoebox full of photos; found a grainy mirror
sunken cheeks and slender hands
grocery lists and carbon-copied letters offer silence for my small demands
hey, how'd you get so anchorless?

alice in chains :: "again"
why, why you slap me in the face?
i, i didn't say it was okay
...
you violate a part of me again, again, again and again

cold war kids :: "hang me up to dry"
all mixed up in the wash
hot water bleeding our colors
...
you've wrung me out too, too, too many times

matchbox 20 :: "stop"
you'd better stop, stop, stop using me up
you'd better stop 'cause i've had enough
and i'm ready to forget the reasons keeping me here

the beatles :: "nowhere man"
doesn't have a point of view
knows not where he's going to

maroon 5 :: "not coming home"
i'll bet it hurts so bad
to see the strength that i have shown
when you answer the door, pick up the phone
you won't find me, 'cause i'm not coming home

franz ferdinand :: "walk away"
and i am cold
yes, i'm cold
but not as cold as you are
i love the sound of you walking away


I really, really enjoyed reading this story; brothers with complicated relationships are like catnip to me, so that shouldn't be a surprise. The push and pull between what Thomas wants from Gavin and the reality of what Gavin wants from Thomas were so interesting to me, so that's what I'm focusing on with this mix.

There are a lot of angry, "fuck you"-type songs with heavier beats and melodies, because the core of this story is, to me, when Thomas finally says "no," and upon rereading, that's the undercurrent I feel through the whole thing. But it's hard to avoid the unsatisfying note at the end, too, when Thomas realizes that his victory is falling flat because, despite doing what he thinks he's always wanted to, despite thinking he's standing up for himself, he still doesn't have what he wants: somebody (specifically Gavin) to care about him for who he is, not what he can do. So the softer, more melancholy songs are interspersed there, and that's the note it ends on, because the two differing moods are really tied up in one another.

I do have to admit that it was a struggle not to just include a bunch of breakup songs. /o\ It would have been so apt! But, uh, that mood is still kind of conveyed here (the best "fuck you" songs do tend to be breakup songs, after all), so my apologies if you prefer your brothers 100% subtext-free. The mix definitely works with either interpretation!